This Wild Amazing Life

Musings of a passionate, always curious, 25 year old

What To Do When You’ve Been Stood Up…

It finally happened. Like out of a movie, I was stood up.

I met him on Bumble, a 30 year old guy in commercial real estate who was funny, kind, and smart. We chatted back and forth for hours, and made plans on Saturday night for a Tuesday night date at a local wine bar. We agreed to meet at 7pm and joked about what we were going to wear to impress each other.

Monday night rolled around, and when I hadn’t heard from him, I texted him

7:35pm on Monday night

Me: “Hey! How’s your day been?”

Him: no reply

10:30am on Tuesday morning

Me: “Hi, just checking to see if we’re still on for tonight?”

Him: no reply

I knew it in my gut too. I felt that I was going to be ghosted, stood up, whatever you want to call it. His constant replies had stopped by Sunday night and I felt that fear inside that he wasn’t interested anymore.

By 5pm on Tuesday I called it. He was gone. Like a true ghost in the night, as fast as he appeared…he disappeared.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, but this time I wasn’t going to take this without standing up for myself so at 5:30pm I messaged him:

Me: “I’m taking your silence as an indication that you don’t have any interest in going on a date with me. Why you offered and came up with a plan just to not follow through makes no sense. You should know that this is not how you treat someone. It is cowardly and not ok.”

At 6pm I checked Bumble and saw he had deleted his profile. *eye roll*

What do you do in this type of situation? Do you go home, watch a sad movie and cry? Do you talk it over with your friends and dwell on if you did something wrong? Well you could do those things but I don’t recommend them. Let me tell you what I did.

As a woman who has been ghosted, rejected, told her body was funny, you would think that another rejection like this would just send me into a spiral, but NO. I am OVER letting men, nah BOYS, determine how I am going to feel about myself. I will not let them treat me like this and ruin my night

Around 4pm when I felt in my gut that the boy wasn’t going to show up I texted my girlfriends and asked them to go with me to the same wine bar I was supposed to have the date at. We agreed to have a girls night!

I dressed up in the same outfit I was going to wear for my date, I went to Freddy’s a local wine bar here in Birmingham with my best friend, and we ordered a cheese board with glasses of wine. We sat and talked, we laughed, we talked about men can be absolute trash (ok not all men), and laughed some more. After spending the day with internal turmoil about how I had been rejected once again, I spent the evening feeling great. After all this time, with my personal growth where it is, I spent the evening having a wonderful evening where I ended up feeling better about myself than I had when the day started. See the thing is, I feel sorry for men that ghost, that stand people up, that can’t show up. I know his standing me up/ghosting has NOTHING to do with me. It is all him. Knowing that and believing that gives me more confidence to continue on into the wilderness of dating.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t listen to a “Men Suck” spotify playlist one more time ;).

Affirmations – valid or hooey?

I was recently watching an episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte drags a cynical, heart broken Carrie to a life/love coaching seminar. As they walk into the auditorium they pull affirmations from a bowl. Charlotte reads hers aloud and says “‘I believe in the good of people.’ That’s nice.” Then Carrie opens hers up and says “I believe this a bunch of hooey.”

To be honest, watching the episode I felt more like Carrie than Charlotte. For most of my life I’ve believed that “life coaching” is a bunch of garbage. I don’t mean to sound negative or cynical, but the only experience I’ve had with those kind of coaches are ones who seem to make up a bunch of lies and then profit off people’s self doubt. Sounds messed up to me. For all my life I have associated the idea of affirmations with one word: scam.

A few days ago I was in a friend’s apartment when I started to notice small notes written all over the apartment. As I looked closer I realized she had affirmations written all over her apartment. She had one on her mirror, on her bed frame, and one on the back of her front door that she could read every day when she left her place and headed out into our tough world. In a weird way, seeing them all over her place inspired me. It made me think, maybe this affirmation business isn’t a load of crap? I don’t know if it came from the fact that I never thought one of my friends would believe in affirmations, or that I was feeling completely out of options for how to successfully implement positive thoughts into my life, but I thought that I maybe I should try it.

Now before I go any further I think it is important to explain what exactly affirmations are. The purpose of affirmations is to help one challenge and overcome self-sabotaging and negative thoughts. The science behind them is that if you repeat these positive statements often enough, and believe in them, you can start to make positive changes. People use affirmations for purposes of self love, for stress management, success, manifestation, etc. Now the idea of manifestation is one that I struggle with…but I’ll save that for another post. Psychologists and scientists have proven that affirmations can truly give one inner peace. Sounds a little too good to be true?

For the last few years, I’ve been on a self-love journey…trying to repair the intense body shaming I felt and experienced constantly in my transformative years. To be honest, I sometimes feel like I’ll never achieve the point where I fully love myself. Living in our society, the idea of women fully loving themselves feels like a crime, in a way it feels wrong? How messed up is that?! It feels way more normal to constantly have a stream of self deprecating thoughts. But that’s how it’s “supposed” to be, right? If we weren’t shamed for just simply existing, shamed for every little thing about our body, there would be a massive economic collapse. Self love doesn’t help beauty/weight loss companies/etc in business. Reminds me of a quote that I love:

“In a society that profits from your self doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.”

– Unknown

I’ve always loved the idea of being a rebel…so if liking…nay loving myself makes me a rebel, then let’s try this self love thing! Now what I have realized is that no matter how many self love/body confident captions and photos I post on Instagram, they alone don’t equal self love. For so long I’ve thought I’d just post the captions and the photos, watch the praise roll in, and THEN I’d love myself. It was a vicious cycle that consistently left me feeling empty and wanting more. Recently, I had a major setback in my Body Dysmorphia recovery…so severe that I was laying in the fetal position on my bathroom floor sobbing because I quite literally could not stand the sight of myself. I even placed a towel over my mirror so that I couldn’t see my reflection, and therefore continue to brew in my self-hate. Having Body Dysmorphic Disorder can make it feel almost impossible to love yourself, especially your appearance. I realized that if I really wanted to make true change in my life, strides towards genuinely loving myself, then I needed to try something else…really anything else than what I was doing.

As of late, I have been trying to implement affirmations into my life. Despite the fact that I have always believed affirmations to be a bunch of nonsense, the act of repeating something to yourself daily feels so awkward and abnormal. Looking yourself in the mirror, saying random phrases to yourself? It sounds like the business of a delusional nut job. However, what I have come to realize recently is that, maybe I’m the delusional nut job and people who believe in affirmations are the sane ones? See if speaking to myself with positive phrases, specifically catered to my fears, wants, and dreams would actually help boost my self esteem, then why shouldn’t I try it?

“She has fought many wars, most internal. The ones you battle alone, for this, she is remarkable. She is a survivor.”

– Nikki Rowe (author)

My mentality when starting new things is usually “go big or go home”, and with affirmations I adopted the same mentality. I went to Target, bought a pack of Expo markers, came home and wrote all the affirmations I wanted on my full length mirror. Every morning when I wake up, I sit on my bed and I am face to face with that full length mirror, where I can either make a choice to immediately hate what I see, or I can read the affirmations written that tell me to love what I see. Recently, I’ve been doing the latter. It may seem like a small gesture to you, but what I have found is that sometimes the smallest gestures, once adopted into our routine, can make the biggest difference in our lives.

Some of the affirmations written on my mirror are:

  • I am worthy.
  • My weight does not define me.
  • I am a smart and capable woman.
  • I am strong.
  • Today and everyday I MATTER.

I think I assumed in the past that when I said these phrases aloud to myself, a force or a light would come down to me and I would immediately feel like a new human. I felt that if I was going to do this awkward, uncomfortable routine I wanted something supernatural to happen. What I have found is that the change is subtle…just enough that you don’t notice it until one day you look at your self in your reflection and your first thought is NOT disgust, but contentment..maybe even love. It’s wild when you catch this change in thought process, it really makes you feel like a new human. You quickly realize that those phrases that seemed so small and stupid, are actually changing you for the better.

Truly. Wild.

In my bathroom, where I placed that hand towel, wanting to never see myself again, I wrote the affirmation “You Are Beautiful.” I do believe really really deep down that I am beautiful, but seeing those words on my mirror has helped drive that thought home for me. It might seem simple, it might even seem silly, but in this crazy world where we are taught that we constantly need improving, there is a beauty that comes with realizing you don’t need any improvement — that you are beautiful and worthy just as you are. Affirmations have helped me realize that truth.

I’d love to dive more into affirmations for another post, but I would love to know from you all:

What are your thoughts on affirmations?

Do you have any favorite affirmations?

Living with Body Dysmorphia

MENTAL HEALTH SERIES – PART TWO

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (also called BDD, body dysmorphia) : A mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. The flaw may be minor or imagined. But the person may spend hours a day trying to fix it. The person may try many cosmetic procedures or exercise to excess.

“BDD can seriously affect your daily life, including your work, social life and relationships. BDD can also lead to depression, self-harm, and even thoughts of suicide.”

Have you heard of BDD? I hadn’t heard of it until last year when I was at work, I looked down at my phone and saw a text from a friend. She messaged me and said “Hannah, can you please take down the photo you posted of me? I’m really sorry but I’m finding that it is triggering my BDD.” Immediately I apologized, removed the photo without even knowing what BDD was. After googling it I felt such guilt over posting a photo that could trigger any symptoms that made her feel anything but the beautiful girl that she was/is. At the time I immediately apologized and removed it. All I saw in the photo was her beauty, but I never wanted to trigger her symptoms or upset her by any means.

In the last few months I’ve started to think about how I see myself in photos. How do I perceive myself when I look in the mirror? Are my thoughts about my body “normal”?

I remember around 6/7 years ago I found old photos of myself from growing up and I ripped them to shreds. When I looked at them I was filled with disgust and wanted to discard any evidence of them. I think back on that and it makes me incredibly sad. The fact that I viewed myself in such a negative way, hated the way I looked so much that I thought ripping up memories was the way to cope. At the time I didn’t realize what I was doing wasn’t “normal”. I knew some may call it “extreme” but I didn’t think anything of it. The photos I destroyed were of me from the 4th grade. 4TH GRADE. A literal child, yet I gave those images of my younger self zero grace.

I’ve always struggled with my body. My first memory of me criticizing my body was in the 3rd grade. At a mere nine years old I viewed my body as ugly and fat. I wanted to look like the skinny girls who had long legs and straight hair. I remember thinking that starving myself would make me look like the other girls I compared myself to constantly. It makes my heart physically hurt when I think about that. I want to take 9 year old me, hug her and tell her she’s perfectly fine and beautiful just the way she is. But the ironic thing is that I can’t seem to tell 26 year old me that.

I can assume that you may sometimes look in the mirror and not love what you see, it’s human nature. Our society has trained us to believe that our bodies are not 100% ok the way they are. Now while most people are just somewhat bothered by physical imperfections, those who suffer from BDD spend hours a day obsessing over real or imagined flaws. They take excessive and sometimes drastic measures to hide their perceived flaws from others.

On this blog, I have found that the sharing my mental illnesses/health with you all is both extremely therapeutic and freeing for me. I know I scare some with my vulnerability, but I have a story and a voice and if by using it I help someone feel less alone, then I’ve done my job. I’ve received notes from my readers that say my openness helps them process issues in their lives too. But I have to say, this post is a big one. I’ve taken many deep breaths while writing this, hoping that this post is eloquent, informative, and honest. I’ve written many drafts, rewritten, edited, etc and I still don’t know if it’s exactly “right”.

I’ve been in counseling on and off for almost 8 years. In previous posts, I have mentioned this and discussed how it literally saved my life. I cannot recommend it enough. A great counselor can help you understand you, your thoughts, your everything so much more than you could ever do on your own. In all my years of counseling though, there is one aspect of my life I kept secret. My body image issues. For a long time I didn’t know if they were even worth bringing up. I decided that relationship woes, workplace drama, etc was more pressing to talk about and unpack in my sessions.

I believed that it should be kept a secret, up until recently. When I decided to unpack it all with my counselor she was taken aback about the fact that in our 3 years together I had never discussed this with her. That I had opened up so much to her, but yet never talked about the abusive way I perceive and treat my body. To be honest I think I always wondered if my thoughts about my body were abnormal or normal…and I didn’t know if I wanted to hear the answer to that question.

A few sessions back, I told her that I had done some research into BDD and that I thought I may have it. We discussed my tendencies, my thinking, my history of self loathing etc. I specifically told her that I didn’t want to be “labeled” but that I needed to understand and further work on why I viewed my body the way that I do. She pulled out this massive book and we discussed the criteria of BDD. After further discussions, she confirmed that I do have/suffer from body dysmorphia.

I’ll be honest…I was shockingly relieved. Not relieved to have received a diagnosis, but I think I wanted the way I thought about my body to be abnormal, so that it could be worked on and hopefully “fixed” — not a normal thing that I would have to learn to deal with. Because the thing is, I’m so tired of feeling, thinking, and obsessing about my body the way that I do. It is exhausting.

I’m an “all or nothing” thinker and processor. Through counseling I’ve come to learn that I think in extremes. Black and white, rarely in grey, it is not in my nature to give myself any grace.

The way I’m learning to combat my BDD is all through my thinking. I must create counteractive thoughts to my self loathing thoughts. I have to counteract the thoughts that come into my head and make me google prices of liposuction. The thoughts that come into my head when I see the tiniest flaw and obsess over how to change it. The thoughts that tell me I should count the stretch marks on my body and keep track of them. The thoughts that tell me my nose isn’t straight and that I should see a doctor about it. The thoughts that tell me I will never be skinny enough or pretty enough without severe alterations. I work on making mental lists about what I actually LIKE about my body vs what I hate. Even making those lists seems so counterintuitive to what I’ve been taught my entire life.

See, here’s the thing. Society has told me that I am not ok. My body needs fixing 24/7. That’s why “quick fix” diets, diet books, diet programs, skincare companies, plastic surgeons, etc make so much money. From the time we can read and write we are fed the notion that our bodies are defected. Young girls go on diets, compare their weights, compare their clothing sizes, all with the hope of shrinking. We are told as women that in order to be valuable we must be smaller. Shrink, shrink, shrink, shrink it all. The standards set for us are impossible to reach. But they’re impossible for a reason. If they were possible then corporations and cosmetic companies wouldn’t exist. They wouldn’t make billions of dollars every year feeding off of the insecurities, that they in the first place, set in motion for women.

My whole life I’ve been under the impression that my body is not good enough. Not skinny enough. Too tall. Not tall enough. Weird smile. Not curvy enough. Too curvy. Not smart enough. Too smart, be quiet. Too fat.

My brain holds onto comments. Like a big metal filing cabinet, I can remember moments in time when someone made me feel so low that my body image issues grew in intensity, like fungus on a tree.

  • When boys in elementary school didn’t like me because they said I was one of the “big” girls in school.
  • When a coach in high school told me I was the “biggest girl” on the team, but that it was ok because apparently I’m just “big boned”.
  • When a boy I liked stared at my chin and told me it was “weird” and then proceeded to laugh.
  • When that same boy told me to my face that it would be funny to see me naked.
  • When a random guy in my college dorm freshman year laughed and pointed at my legs when I walked down the hallway in tight shorts.
  • When recently a man on the internet told me that I was “fat” and that no man wants a “fat woman”.

Derogatory comments are like chips in a marble statue. We come into this world perfect, created in the image of Christ. But over time we allow comments and opinions of others chip away at the body Christ gifted us with. With each comment that implies we need “fixing”, our self esteem and confidence is slowly chipped away.

What I have decided through all this bulls*** that society has put on me and women, is that I am OKAY. I am not a defect. Just because I’ve been told that not having a flat stomach makes me less than, doesn’t mean it’s true. Just because somewhere along the way someone told me my weight is a defect, that doesn’t mean it is. I have to remind myself of these truths every single day. I am having to literally retrain my brain to believe that I am OKAY.

If you follow me on instagram you may notice that I have started using my platform for Body Positivity. It may seem strange then that someone who preaches body confidence with almost every post, suffers from BDD. It wasn’t until this last year that I felt a calling to talk to women about body confidence and body image. When I first shared my body positive post I remember feeling like a fraud. To be honest, there are many days I write an inspiring caption telling women to love their bodies, and then I go straight to the mirror and obsess over my perceived “flaws”. With each caption I write to my followers, I in turn am writing it to myself. Counteracting the self loathing thoughts that can flood my brain with positive, genuine feelings about self love.

Having BDD is very new to me, because for my entire life I thought there wasn’t anything wrong with how I viewed my body. I thought that everyone constantly hated their body and worked obsessively on ways to fix it. But I’m learning to combat BDD in my life. Counteract the negative obsessive destructive self talk with positive, self love. At times I feel like I’m speaking another language. It feels so foreign telling women to love their bodies at any shape and size, when I’ve been told the complete opposite my entire life. I truly can’t explain what it feels like to pose in a bikini while at my heaviest weight and tell other women to praise and love their bodies. It feels so freeing in the moments that I believe what I’m saying. I want those moments to occur 24/7 and that’s what I am working towards. I truly want to feel confident in my body 24/7 and love it at any stage.

Something my counselor said in our last session really struck me. She said “your body was not created for attraction. It was not created to be something pretty for others to look at. Sure it’s beautiful but it was made for so much more than you give it credit for.” Woah. I realized how rarely I am thankful that I have a heart that beats, lungs that breathe, a brain that thinks, arms that move, legs that can walk. It is so much easier to look at what “defects” cover our body than the literal functions of it.

If you suffer from BDD, please know I am here for you. I am still learning. I am in the early stages of learning how to combat it, but I am here for you. You can always message me on Instagram at @thiswildamazinglife. For the first time since starting this blog, I’m quite anxious to hit the “publish” button, but what good is it to keep our stories to ourselves when they can make someone else feel heard/less alone? I will not combat BDD overnight, but I am doing the work to combat it.

As I type these last words to you, I am saying them to myself as well.

Your body is not a defect. Your weight is not your worth. The number on the scale is just a number. Your worth is not determined on what your body looks like. Your stretch marks are not defects. Your stomach rolls are not defects. Your body does not need “fixing” or “altering”. You are beautiful.

. . .

“Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits.” – Tina Fey

“Body Dysmorphia is not a fancy synonym for being insecure…insecurities do play a part in the disorder but ‘body dysmorphic disorder is having a warped vision of one’s own body to an extent that it interferes with their ability to live a normal life.’ there’s a big difference” – Twitter user @quenblackwell

*If you think you may suffer from BDD, I recommend seeking professional help and get help taking back control. Please do not be ashamed. You are not alone.

Only Accepting Me If He Accepts Me

When I learned that I was going to see him at Christmas, I went into full planning/panic mode. I researched diet plans to help me lose weight fast, I started planning “the outfit”, the one that would make him fall to his feet and regret ever turning me down. I even googled “outfits to wear to impress him.”

I imagined that when I walked into the room, skinner, and dressed to the nines that he would finally want me. The reality of it is, when he knew me I was 20lbs skinnier, I was working out 5 days a week, and he still didn’t want me. On the inside I was struggling with anxiety, depression, but all I cared about was if he wanted me. I obsessed over why I wasn’t good enough for him to want to date. I didn’t realize how low my self confidence was until I recently talked to my counselor about it. She said “you are basing your worth solely on him, his approval, his attention. It’s not fair to you or to him because he will never live up to those expectations that you have set.” For ten years he hasn’t wanted me, and I can assure you a night out during the holidays isn’t going to change that.

There have been times in my life, too many to count, where I think “before I really find someone to love me I really am going to have to lose about 40lbs.” I’ve lived in this headspace where I believe that in order for me to be worthy of love and acceptance I have to alter and change myself. In order to be fully accepted, I have to lose weight.

What a silly thing to think.

Regardless of the number on the scale I AM WORTHY OF LOVE.

Do you want to know who does love me regardless of anything I can do, or say, or weigh? Jesus Christ. This might sound cliche or silly but the thing is it’s true. I will forever and always be accepted and loved by Christ. The boy who didn’t love me in high school, he isn’t going to love me 10 years later, no matter how skinny I get — and that’s ok. It really is ok. It stings, sure, but what makes it so much better is to know and be confident that in the love Christ has for me.

Throughout my years of disordered eating, anxiety, depression, Christ has loved me. Even in the moments where I sat on the floor, face covered in tears, cursing His name. The moments where I abused the healthy normal body He gave me. The moments where I considered ending it all because of my mental illness, He loved me.

Christ loves me and He will continue to love me no matter what. How refreshing and freeing is that?! It’s a love that is hard for me to accept because it is such a different kind of love than the love we usually receive from others. It’s a love that isn’t based on our looks, our weight, our accolades, it’s a love that is far greater than we can truly comprehend. Christ’s love surpasses any kind of love I will ever receive on this earth because He created me. He formed my brain, my heart, my soul, my whole being into the image of Him.

None of us deserve this type of love. It feels foreign to us because we are so broken and sinful it’s almost impossible to imagine someone loving us, loving every single atom that makes us who we are.

Yes the boy I once loved, who didn’t love me back, he won’t love me and that’s ok. Someday I will find a parter to love who will love me for me. What brings me peace is that no matter what happens I have Christ to fall back on. I have His love and acceptance for the rest of time. So if Christ, the God of all, the Creator of the universe can love me regardless of my appearance/all of my brokenness — why can’t I accept and love every part of myself?

The answer is…I can. It’s not easy, it feels foreign to love myself and not want more. To love the stretch marks, the cellulite, the dimples is not easy. When I put it into perspective, Christ gifted me with a healthy mind, soul, and body and to constantly curse my body I am really insulting Christ and his work. So no I’m not going to lose weight for the boy, I’ll lose weight if I want to lose weight. But for now I’m working on accepting me, because Christ accepts me and His opinion is really the only one that matters.

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