In the 5th grade I remember hearing that girls and boys in my class were “going out”. I remember at the time I was so confused, I used to say to my friends “where do they go? the water fountain?”. Yes I was hilarious in the 5th grade. I was a tall girl with frizzy curly hair and glasses. I was starting to like boys and I didn’t understand why none of the boys wanted to “go out” with me. I was pretty right? I wasn’t skinny and I didn’t have straight hair — the thing I wanted most in my childhood. So maybe that was why the boys chose other girls over me? Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough…or maybe it was just that everyone was hitting puberty, no one was really that cute and relationships in 5th grade only lasted about an hour.
In 7th grade I had my first real crush. We met in church youth group. He went to a different school, which in middle school was very exciting and a little scandalous. During my time in middle school my parents hosted my bible study every Monday night in our living room. Every Monday night, right before the kids would arrive I would get butterflies in my stomach wondering if he would show. Then when he did show I did the super smooth flirting tactic known as “pretending he didn’t exist and not talking to him at all”. When we did speak he would joke with me and I would joke back, about what I have no idea but we were speaking to each other so who cared! I was a full on smitten kitten. I would put my name with his last name, and happily sigh that the two words sounded so beautiful strung together.
In the 9th grade. I moved to a new school and everything was very different. The classes were bigger, the kids were more competitive, and the boys were waaayyyyyy cuter than they were at my middle school. I had my first taste of my new school’s boy/girl dynamics when I was at volleyball practice and learned that the boys in my class were already talking about me. Apparently I had a boyfriend…who was in my new class… and who apparently I had gone to visit in the hospital, and had a steamy makeout session with! It was shocking to me since I had never kissed a boy, had never been on a date, had just moved to school, and didn’t remember ever being told a boy liked me — I would’ve definitely remembered these things…
All throughout high school the crushes I had were strong and fierce. I fell HARD for each boy….and I actually fell in love…but more on that later.
Before I go any further I should paint you a picture of what this high school experience was like. I grew up in a tiny town in Texas, around 12,000 people total. I went to a Christian high school where my class in 9th grade was around 20 people…so very small. I loved high school, I really did. But the thing about going to a high school like that, living in a small town like that … everyone knows everyones sh**.
*ok back to why I’ve been single for eons*
I can recall having 5 crushes in high school. Some boys were older, some were my age, some had blonde hair, some had brown hair, some were close friends, some were guys I only said hi to in passing — but what all of them had in common was that with each boy I hoped that he would be the boy to ask me out. What I didn’t realize was that my flirting tactics were a little….off? I soon found myself as “one of the guys” basically a death sentence for a high school girl seeking to find a boyfriend. I was even told by a guy friend that instead of a “bro” I was a “bra”…like the female term of “bro”? But also like I’m a girl so I wear a bra? Trust me I didn’t get the terminology but what I did get was that my odds of ever being asked out were slim to none — yet I still had hope. But let me say, hope does not equal confidence and strong social skills with the opposite sex.
When I was a sophomore and an older guy showed interest in me I froze and simultaneously self combusted. (picture that SNL skit with Maya Rudolph where they spoof Oprah’s favorite things and everyone’s head flies off…) I had ZERO idea what to do with the fact that this older boy had called me “gorgeous”, had cuddled with me, was texting with me. Basically him showing any interest in me and my existence sent me in a spiral of destruction. I felt like a spaz around him. I felt like I said all the wrong things. When he smiled at me, I smiled back, when on the inside I was just screaming at the top of my lungs — super romantic and calm, right? Well shocker he lost interest after a few weeks and had a girlfriend a week later. Apparently senior boys don’t like sophomore girls who say weird sh** and can’t stop nervously laughing — who knew?! Ah the wonderful joys of adolescent romances.
My senior year of high school I had a freshman ask me out. Now I had no interest in him but I included this story to give that freshman boy the slow clap he deserves! Talk about courage! Freshman boy asking out a senior girl? Damn he had nerve!! *insert slow clap here*
My freshman year of college my best friend and I made a bet: the first one to get asked out had to buy the other a cigar. (I know the cigar sounds odd, it was an inside joke) Well *spoiler alert* neither of us had to go buy a cigar because neither of us got asked out in college so a big fat LOL at that. We still laugh about it today. We were so confident that college was going to be IT. College would change EVERYTHING. What we didn’t know is that college boys are still high school boys, they’re just taller.
I had *maybe* four crushes my whole time in college. The only one that was strong was one I had my senior year. He was younger than me (#cougaralert), we had met in a campus ministry we were both a part of. He was very attractive, tall, great smile, smart, a member of one of the “hot guy frats” (makes me want to barf that I cared about that), and I loved that he was coming weekly to learn more about Jesus. I finally got up the courage to ask him to a formal…he was busy. I then asked him to a date party….he had his own formal…and his own date who wasn’t me. I then tried one more time…(even writing this I’m thinking “poor me, I clearly wasn’t getting the hint) and asked him on a “lunch date thing”. Yep still super proud of that wording. He picked me up and I was so nervous I kept talking about how I liked his chevy suburban (????) and how I used to drive one in high school. Someone needed to hand me a life raft because I was drowning in my own awkward spastic behavior. But then when he didn’t offer to pay for my lunch and I saw him that night at a bar making out with another girl, after he told me he had had a great time on our date. So to say I went from girl-in-crush, to woman-scorn in a hot minute is an understatement. I said adios to that loser and I graduated excited to find “charming southern gentlemen” in my new city of Birmingham, AL.
HA! “Charming Southern Gentleman” my ass! Just because they wear nice shoes and khakis does not mean they don’t have the emotional intelligence of a squirrel. Needless to say the men I met in Alabama left very little to be desired. I went on about 5 dates during my 2.5 year stint in Alabama, all were nice but left very little to be desired.
It was October of 2017 when I met someone special. I had traveled back to my hometown for the weekend and met an older guy at a festival. We hit it off right away. It was exciting, I was constantly giddy, it was all so wonderful it didn’t feel real. We were the definition of a whirlwind romance. After a few weeks we realized our lives were changing rapidly and with the complications that come with long distance, we called it quits. It had only lasted about three weeks but it took my heart a long time to recover.
Recently I’ve dipped my toes back into the dating app dating pool and have been met with cowards, freaks, hookup-only-seeking-losers, and not much else. I have friends who have met their husbands, fiancés, and boyfriends on dating apps but I’m not sure it’s for me. Stay tuned…
So there ya have it. My whole “dating” history in a cliff note version. It’s s’spicy, no?
When I was 10 years old if you had asked me what life would look like at 25, I would tell you that I would be married with maybe a baby. Life doesn’t look anything like that right now and guess what? I’m 100% ok with that. That’s not Jesus’ plan for my life at this stage. My heart isn’t ready for marriage. My mind and soul aren’t ready for children. One day I’ll be ready for it all, but not now. Right now I’m riding this crazy incredible wave of singleness…still grieving the fact that Nick Jonas is in fact not my one true love. *SIGH*