truth about dating

Journal entry from October 15th, 2020 at 12:03 am :

My head is pounding from crying hard for so long. The tears are all dried up for now but the headache won’t go away…neither will the pain and confusion.

He seemed like such a good guy…he is a good guy. Is he? I don’t know? I don’t know anything anymore. I’m so confused. Maybe that’s why my head hurts. My utter shock and confusion over this rejection has caused my brain to throb in agony.

The funny thing is the rest of me is numb. I feel so tired. I’m so angry but I don’t have any fight left in me. I don’t have the energy to look over our texts. I don’t have the energy to replay our almost two hour phone call in my head, to find a clue. To dissect our conversations, flirty words exchanged, to over analyze every syllable and wonder if and what I did wrong to make everything go to shit. My eyes hurt from the screen. The constant checking my phone hoping to see a text from him. Checking my social media…seeing that he’s active…literal proof that he is actively ignoring me. Once again igniting my fury and insane confusion over why I’ve received zero answers or acknowledgement from him.

“It makes no sense” I whisper out loud into the pitch black abyss of my room. Laying in the dark, fan blowing air onto my face, I can’t shake the headache and now my stomach is joining in on the party, turning itself in knots. I think to myself “I did it again. I screwed up another potential relationship again. I should have just stayed quiet.”

*deep breaths, deep breaths*

I hope for a response. I ache for answers. But I fear that I’ll never receive a text from him again. Like a light switch turned, he just went away into the darkness never to be heard from or seen by me again. Regardless of my vulnerability, he will not emerge to explain himself or his actions. He’ll most likely stay in the darkness, where he is comfortable, hiding in and with his cowardice. I can feel my heart begin to harden as I close my eyes to sleep. Another relationship ended, another heartbreak, and one more padlock is added to my heart.

. . .

“Ghosting” a term coined by millennials, my generation. This generation that has (unfortunately) been shoved into the realm of digital dating.

When you look up the definition of “ghosting” you will find this:

“‘Ghosting’: is a colloquial term used to describe the practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a partner, friend, or similar individual without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts to reach out or communicate made by said partner, friend, or individual.”

No warning. No justification. Nothing. Just poof. They’re gone. Like it never happened. Which causes you to wonder…did it ever really happen?

There are articles online that argue that the act of “ghosting” is in fact psychological abuse.

Now let’s dissect that idea a little further because I am sure a few of you read that sentence and thought “that’s a little much…”.

Let me give you a scenario from my past dating history. Once upon a time while living in Birmingham, I was on the dating app “Bumble.” I matched with a guy named “Bryan” and we began to talk. He unfortunately lived in a city about 2 hours away so we had to plan our date a little in advance for him to be able to make the trip. Bryan was great about pursuing me. But from the get go I could tell he was more interested in me that I was in him. I wanted to meet him in person though to see if my feelings might change. So after talking for almost 2 weeks he drove to Birmingham and we had dinner. It was very nice, he was a great date, but I just didn’t feel the same. We ended the night and the next day he was ready for date two. Now I knew that the EASY route would be to disappear into the abyss like nothing had happened because I was afraid to hurt his feelings. But I also knew that this guy really liked me and as someone who has been in a one-sided relationship before, I never want someone to feel that pain. I ended up texting him and letting him know how much I had enjoyed getting to know him but that I didn’t think I wanted to pursue anything further. He was very respectful, said he understood, and thanked me for telling him.

I am in no way sharing this story to be like “oh look at me I’m so amazing” but I’m showing that in an instance where I could have ghosted I chose not to. I cried because I was so worried about hurting this guy’s feelings but in the end I think I spared him way more hurt and pain by just being honest with him.

Now I will tell you I am not proud of it, but I have ghosted someone. I was living in Birmingham, had met a guy on Bumble and we agreed to go on a date. We had only talked for about 3 days and then met up for dinner. He was perfectly nice and the date was fine but throughout the entire date he never showed any ounce of initiative. Not when it came to finding a table, ordering drinks, figuring out the menu, anything. That is a big turn off for me. I want a man to lead on a first date. But the date was fine and we said goodnight. I told him I was going to South Africa a few days later (which I was) and we left it at that. A few weeks later he texted and asked how my trip was…I never responded. I am not proud of that but I just didn’t want to deal! But should I have responded? Yes. He was showing interest and I should have made it crystal clear that I was not interested.

With all that said, let’s go back to the idea of ghosting being psychological abuse. I agree whole heartedly with that statement. In my experience when I have laid my cards on the table to a guy and said “here, this is me.” and he NEVER RESPONDS TO ME? That is straight up psychological abuse. It dehumanizes me. It makes me feel like all the conversations leading up to that moment were pretend. That they never existed, a figment of my imagination.

It. Makes. Me. Feel. Crazy.

Ahh “crazy” what a horrible and worn out word used to describe — more often than not — women. Am I crazy that after two weeks of talking I tell a guy that I am “interested in getting to know him better and I would like to know where his head is at”? Ummm yeah that is going to be a big fat NO.

You should never ever be deemed “crazy” for asking for clarification and communication at the start of a relationship.

You should also never be deemed “crazy” when wanting answers when you have been left in the dark.

Ghosting is a form of the “silent treatment”. You know the “silent treatment” what you used to do to your sibling when they stole something out of your room and you pretended like they didn’t exist. Ghosting is just like that, but digitally. Fun!

In dating, ghosting has to do a great deal with someone’s comfort level and how they deal with their emotions. Which is why when feelings are brought into the conversation, it can be the perfect gateway for someone to ghost because feelings = confrontation to some — and that can be too much for them to handle. Which in the digital age, with us hiding behind our screens more than ever before, is the fear of confrontation with emotions growing? I would say yes.

Now what I’ve had to learn in recent days after being painfully ghosted, and in turn blindsided, is that when someone ghosts you, that behavior is more about them than it is about you. Would I rather that person text me and say, “hey I’m not interested in you” rather than leave me on read? 100% YES. Would it hurt? Yes. But is it better than being left in limbo? 1000% YES.

I won’t lie though, after being vulnerable and basically getting shut out in the dark it makes me want to close my heart off, cover it with chains and lock it up so that no one can get in. I am so tired of dating. I HATE IT. This most recent situation wasn’t someone I met on a dating app, no he was a friend of a friend. He asked for my number, he pursued me…and then two weeks later at the sign of my vulnerability, POOF he was gone. It hurt. It still hurts if I’m being honest. I let myself feel and get excited and now there is this fear that getting excited LEADS to pain and heartbreak. It is taking everything in me to not close my heart.

However, what I’ve come to realize is that LIFE is about feeling. Feeling the joy and excitement of getting to know someone new. Experiencing the hope that maybe it could turn into something more! Then if it happens, experiencing the deep sadness of rejection. But remembering that all of those feelings mean you are LIVING and living well.

I wish I could say that after the pandemic, after this year from HELL that we would be able to cancel such an awful thing as ghosting but the truth is, I don’t see it going anywhere anytime soon. What I hope people gain from this year is emotional intelligence. If only children could take a course in emotional intelligence in school, maybe that would cure ghosting…and about 100+ other issues in the world.

What a thought…

From here I’m going to try and keep my heart open. It’s bruised and a little broken. That’s what dehumanizing a person will do. By ignoring them, acting like they don’t exist, their feelings aren’t valid, makes them feel less human. But what I can say is that, when I’m ready I’m going to try again. I am not going to lock up my heart. No one should go through life like that and I will not let some degenerate who ghosted me make me feel unworthy of love — and neither should you. Life is too short to be closed off, and the people who love, and love well, live longer anyways.

Note: **The only instance that I can think of where ghosting would be an appropriate response is when your safety is at risk. But other than that I truly see no reasonable explanation for ghosting someone.**

In the 5th grade I remember hearing that girls and boys in my class were “going out”. I remember at the time I was so confused, I used to say to my friends “where do they go? the water fountain?”. Yes I was hilarious in the 5th grade. I was a tall girl with frizzy curly hair and glasses. I was starting to like boys and I didn’t understand why none of the boys wanted to “go out” with me. I was pretty right? I wasn’t skinny and I didn’t have straight hair — the thing I wanted most in my childhood. So maybe that was why the boys chose other girls over me? Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough…or maybe it was just that everyone was hitting puberty, no one was really that cute and relationships in 5th grade only lasted about an hour.

In 7th grade I had my first real crush. We met in church youth group. He went to a different school, which in middle school was very exciting and a little scandalous. During my time in middle school my parents hosted my bible study every Monday night in our living room. Every Monday night, right before the kids would arrive I would get butterflies in my stomach wondering if he would show. Then when he did show I did the super smooth flirting tactic known as “pretending he didn’t exist and not talking to him at all”. When we did speak he would joke with me and I would joke back, about what I have no idea but we were speaking to each other so who cared! I was a full on smitten kitten. I would put my name with his last name, and happily sigh that the two words sounded so beautiful strung together.

In the 9th grade. I moved to a new school and everything was very different. The classes were bigger, the kids were more competitive, and the boys were waaayyyyyy cuter than they were at my middle school. I had my first taste of my new school’s boy/girl dynamics when I was at volleyball practice and learned that the boys in my class were already talking about me. Apparently I had a boyfriend…who was in my new class… and who apparently I had gone to visit in the hospital, and had a steamy makeout session with! It was shocking to me since I had never kissed a boy, had never been on a date, had just moved to school, and didn’t remember ever being told a boy liked me — I would’ve definitely remembered these things…

All throughout high school the crushes I had were strong and fierce. I fell HARD for each boy….and I actually fell in love…but more on that later.

Before I go any further I should paint you a picture of what this high school experience was like. I grew up in a tiny town in Texas, around 12,000 people total. I went to a Christian high school where my class in 9th grade was around 20 people…so very small. I loved high school, I really did. But the thing about going to a high school like that, living in a small town like that … everyone knows everyones sh**.

*ok back to why I’ve been single for eons*

I can recall having 5 crushes in high school. Some boys were older, some were my age, some had blonde hair, some had brown hair, some were close friends, some were guys I only said hi to in passing — but what all of them had in common was that with each boy I hoped that he would be the boy to ask me out. What I didn’t realize was that my flirting tactics were a little….off? I soon found myself as “one of the guys” basically a death sentence for a high school girl seeking to find a boyfriend. I was even told by a guy friend that instead of a “bro” I was a “bra”…like the female term of “bro”? But also like I’m a girl so I wear a bra? Trust me I didn’t get the terminology but what I did get was that my odds of ever being asked out were slim to none — yet I still had hope. But let me say, hope does not equal confidence and strong social skills with the opposite sex.

When I was a sophomore and an older guy showed interest in me I froze and simultaneously self combusted. (picture that SNL skit with Maya Rudolph where they spoof Oprah’s favorite things and everyone’s head flies off…) I had ZERO idea what to do with the fact that this older boy had called me “gorgeous”, had cuddled with me, was texting with me. Basically him showing any interest in me and my existence sent me in a spiral of destruction. I felt like a spaz around him. I felt like I said all the wrong things. When he smiled at me, I smiled back, when on the inside I was just screaming at the top of my lungs — super romantic and calm, right? Well shocker he lost interest after a few weeks and had a girlfriend a week later. Apparently senior boys don’t like sophomore girls who say weird sh** and can’t stop nervously laughing — who knew?! Ah the wonderful joys of adolescent romances.

My senior year of high school I had a freshman ask me out. Now I had no interest in him but I included this story to give that freshman boy the slow clap he deserves! Talk about courage! Freshman boy asking out a senior girl? Damn he had nerve!! *insert slow clap here*

My freshman year of college my best friend and I made a bet: the first one to get asked out had to buy the other a cigar. (I know the cigar sounds odd, it was an inside joke) Well *spoiler alert* neither of us had to go buy a cigar because neither of us got asked out in college so a big fat LOL at that. We still laugh about it today. We were so confident that college was going to be IT. College would change EVERYTHING. What we didn’t know is that college boys are still high school boys, they’re just taller.

I had *maybe* four crushes my whole time in college. The only one that was strong was one I had my senior year. He was younger than me (#cougaralert), we had met in a campus ministry we were both a part of. He was very attractive, tall, great smile, smart, a member of one of the “hot guy frats” (makes me want to barf that I cared about that), and I loved that he was coming weekly to learn more about Jesus. I finally got up the courage to ask him to a formal…he was busy. I then asked him to a date party….he had his own formal…and his own date who wasn’t me. I then tried one more time…(even writing this I’m thinking “poor me, I clearly wasn’t getting the hint) and asked him on a “lunch date thing”. Yep still super proud of that wording. He picked me up and I was so nervous I kept talking about how I liked his chevy suburban (????) and how I used to drive one in high school. Someone needed to hand me a life raft because I was drowning in my own awkward spastic behavior. But then when he didn’t offer to pay for my lunch and I saw him that night at a bar making out with another girl, after he told me he had had a great time on our date. So to say I went from girl-in-crush, to woman-scorn in a hot minute is an understatement. I said adios to that loser and I graduated excited to find “charming southern gentlemen” in my new city of Birmingham, AL.

HA! “Charming Southern Gentleman” my ass! Just because they wear nice shoes and khakis does not mean they don’t have the emotional intelligence of a squirrel. Needless to say the men I met in Alabama left very little to be desired. I went on about 5 dates during my 2.5 year stint in Alabama, all were nice but left very little to be desired.

It was October of 2017 when I met someone special. I had traveled back to my hometown for the weekend and met an older guy at a festival. We hit it off right away. It was exciting, I was constantly giddy, it was all so wonderful it didn’t feel real. We were the definition of a whirlwind romance. After a few weeks we realized our lives were changing rapidly and with the complications that come with long distance, we called it quits. It had only lasted about three weeks but it took my heart a long time to recover.

Recently I’ve dipped my toes back into the dating app dating pool and have been met with cowards, freaks, hookup-only-seeking-losers, and not much else. I have friends who have met their husbands, fiancés, and boyfriends on dating apps but I’m not sure it’s for me. Stay tuned…

So there ya have it. My whole “dating” history in a cliff note version. It’s s’spicy, no?

When I was 10 years old if you had asked me what life would look like at 25, I would tell you that I would be married with maybe a baby. Life doesn’t look anything like that right now and guess what? I’m 100% ok with that. That’s not Jesus’ plan for my life at this stage. My heart isn’t ready for marriage. My mind and soul aren’t ready for children. One day I’ll be ready for it all, but not now. Right now I’m riding this crazy incredible wave of singleness…still grieving the fact that Nick Jonas is in fact not my one true love. *SIGH*

Can We Cancel Ghosting?

25 and never had a boyfriend

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