When I learned that I was going to see him at Christmas, I went into full planning/panic mode. I researched diet plans to help me lose weight fast, I started planning “the outfit”, the one that would make him fall to his feet and regret ever turning me down. I even googled “outfits to wear to impress him.”
I imagined that when I walked into the room, skinner, and dressed to the nines that he would finally want me. The reality of it is, when he knew me I was 20lbs skinnier, I was working out 5 days a week, and he still didn’t want me. On the inside I was struggling with anxiety, depression, but all I cared about was if he wanted me. I obsessed over why I wasn’t good enough for him to want to date. I didn’t realize how low my self confidence was until I recently talked to my counselor about it. She said “you are basing your worth solely on him, his approval, his attention. It’s not fair to you or to him because he will never live up to those expectations that you have set.” For ten years he hasn’t wanted me, and I can assure you a night out during the holidays isn’t going to change that.
There have been times in my life, too many to count, where I think “before I really find someone to love me I really am going to have to lose about 40lbs.” I’ve lived in this headspace where I believe that in order for me to be worthy of love and acceptance I have to alter and change myself. In order to be fully accepted, I have to lose weight.
What a silly thing to think.
Regardless of the number on the scale I AM WORTHY OF LOVE.
Do you want to know who does love me regardless of anything I can do, or say, or weigh? Jesus Christ. This might sound cliche or silly but the thing is it’s true. I will forever and always be accepted and loved by Christ. The boy who didn’t love me in high school, he isn’t going to love me 10 years later, no matter how skinny I get — and that’s ok. It really is ok. It stings, sure, but what makes it so much better is to know and be confident that in the love Christ has for me.
Throughout my years of disordered eating, anxiety, depression, Christ has loved me. Even in the moments where I sat on the floor, face covered in tears, cursing His name. The moments where I abused the healthy normal body He gave me. The moments where I considered ending it all because of my mental illness, He loved me.
Christ loves me and He will continue to love me no matter what. How refreshing and freeing is that?! It’s a love that is hard for me to accept because it is such a different kind of love than the love we usually receive from others. It’s a love that isn’t based on our looks, our weight, our accolades, it’s a love that is far greater than we can truly comprehend. Christ’s love surpasses any kind of love I will ever receive on this earth because He created me. He formed my brain, my heart, my soul, my whole being into the image of Him.
None of us deserve this type of love. It feels foreign to us because we are so broken and sinful it’s almost impossible to imagine someone loving us, loving every single atom that makes us who we are.
Yes the boy I once loved, who didn’t love me back, he won’t love me and that’s ok. Someday I will find a parter to love who will love me for me. What brings me peace is that no matter what happens I have Christ to fall back on. I have His love and acceptance for the rest of time. So if Christ, the God of all, the Creator of the universe can love me regardless of my appearance/all of my brokenness — why can’t I accept and love every part of myself?
The answer is…I can. It’s not easy, it feels foreign to love myself and not want more. To love the stretch marks, the cellulite, the dimples is not easy. When I put it into perspective, Christ gifted me with a healthy mind, soul, and body and to constantly curse my body I am really insulting Christ and his work. So no I’m not going to lose weight for the boy, I’ll lose weight if I want to lose weight. But for now I’m working on accepting me, because Christ accepts me and His opinion is really the only one that matters.
Absolutely beautiful and insightful post. I love watching you grow into the incredibly wise and unique woman you are.
This really spoke to me, I’m struggling with this at the moment and can’t seem to translate the knowledge of this truth into my heart and actually live it out.
Hannah Williams says
I completely understand. All I can say is be patient with yourself. It takes time and a lot of self love to live this truth out but I believe you can!